[As dictated to Tanya]
Hello, my name is Emeril. I am the most handsome cat in the whole wide world. I know this to be true because my mommy tells me this every day. Why would she lie to me? She would not. So now you know too: I am the most handsome cat in the whole wide world. You agree. Of course you do. Thank you. I appreciate your accurate words.
You may have been misinformed that I am frequently constipated. This is not true. Nope. My mommy tends to exaggerate things (except for me being the most handsome cat in the whole wide world, of course). Maybe I have experienced some PRIVATE bathroom issues but not often. Rarely, in fact.
[Tanya] Excuse me, but I feel the need to interrupt. You’re not exactly being truthful.
Meow! This is my personal post. I do not interrupt your posts.
[Tanya] You lounge on top of my laptop when I’m trying to type. All. The. Time. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make. You’ve had at least seven enemas in the past two years. And that’s not counting the ones I’ve attempted to do.
[Tanya] Am not. I should know. I cry every time I hand over my credit card to pay for it.
Meow! You cry. What about me? I am the one HAVING the enema!
[Tanya] Okay. Fair enough but still…
Whatever. I win. So before I was rudely interrupted, I had two points that I wanted to make sure everyone knew about me, Emeril, His Royal Highness:
- I am the most handsome cat in the whole wide world. I am told this is subjective, but I do not know what that word means.
- I am not chronically constipated. Seven days of constipation out of 730 days is not CHRONIC. I am, however, chronically cute.
Now you know the truth about me: I am handsome and not constipated. MEOW!