[As dictated to Tanya]
I would like to talk to you about a serious problem. One that affects me personally. It is about the lack of special Emeril beds in my home. They have all gone missing.
See the picture mommy posted? Me, Emeril Wolfgang, his Royal Highness, and the most handsome cat in the whole wide world (and I am told it is a large world) reduced to napping in a laundry basket. The indignity just makes me hungry. I mean upset. Or sleepy. Maybe all three.
It is not fair. Mommy has a bed. Why did my three beds disappear?
[Tanya] You know why they disappeared. You got fleas and I threw them out.
I am an exceptionally clean cat. I do not have fleas and am offended by the accusation to my pristine hygiene.
[T] You’re right. You don’t have fleas. Now. After your flea baths, medication, spraying the house and throwing out your beds.
MEOW! I hate baths! Baths are for dogs.
[T] You don’t have fleas now, do you? So zip it.
But what about my beds? This is a serious problem. A cat of my status cannot be caught sleeping in the laundry basket.
[T] Please – you sleep in the laundry basket whenever you get a chance. You also nap in the hamper. On the couch. Under the bed. On the bench. Under the bench. On the desk. Basically wherever you want. So I really don’t think you lack places to nap.
True. Cats are ingenious for finding special sleeping places, and I am no exception. But I want my special beds.
[T] I bought you a bed just last week that you nap in every day.
Where are my other two new beds?
[T] Really? You need another two beds!
Yes. I can do this all day.
[T] Fine. Maybe you’ll get one for Christmas.
Okay. That is acceptable. I am adding it to my list of things I will get for Christmas: bed, treats and new toy.
[T] I think you mean the list of things you WANT for Christmas.
No. I have it right. The list of things I will GET for Christmas.