Emeril’s Resolutions for 2011

[as dictated to Tanya]

What are New Year’s resolutions? Why would I make them?

[T] These are things you’re going to do next year. Sometimes they’re things that, maybe, you should have been doing all along but haven’t been. You know—like pooping.

I do not know what you are talking about. I poop all the time. Remember, I pooped this morning.

[T] Yes, I remember. In the hallway. Not in your litter box.

You are too fussy. You wanted me to poop. So I did. Meow!

[T] Are you going to make your resolutions?

I suppose so. But I still do not understand. There is nothing I need to change or improve upon. I suppose I could do the following next year:

• Eat every day
• Nap every day
• Bathe every day
• Be adorable every day

So those are my resolutions for this year. They are good. Yes?

[T] Well. Ummm. You sort of do those already. Very well, in fact.

So if I am understanding correctly. I am already perfect, and you cannot improve upon perfection. I win! Meow!