[as dictated to Tanya]
Mommy and I are fighting. She is mad at me for no good reason. I am a sweet kitty. No matter what she tells you; I am the sweetest and best mannered kitty in the whole wide world.
[T] You are such a liar, Emeril.
Am not! I only meow the truth.
[T] Your version isn’t always accurate.
I am 100% accurate. We are fighting. You are mad at me. FOR. NO. GOOD. REASON.
[T] Really? Why don’t you explain to everyone why I’m mad at you?
Fine. I will. You just wait and see. You will be sorry. People will side with me, not you. I mean it. I will tell them.
[T] Uh-huh. Stop procrastinating. Maybe I should tell them.
MEOW! No. I will tell them. Mommy is unfairly mad at me because she thinks I was naughty.
[T] You were naughty. And disrespectful. To your poor sweet mommy. Why don’t you tell them what you did?
I no longer wish to talk about it. It upsets me too much. You need to get a sense of humor.
[T] You peed on the bathroom floor. Twice. For no good reason. You had a clean litter box, but you instead chose to pee on the bathroom floor. And I stepped it! GROSS!!!
How do know you it was me? It might have been something else. I have been falsely accused and plan to contact Gloria Allred as soon as I figure out how to use the phone.
[T] Apologize – I don’t think so. It’s just the two of us, and I know it wasn’t me. So that leaves you.
Whatever. I was mad at you. You would not let me into the bedroom. I asked you politely for bedroom privileges, which you refused to grant. And I do not understand why you are so upset? Not too long ago you were begging me to pee. You should be thanking me!
[T] No. You were being a big baby. I’m glad you can pee because I paid a lot of money so that you can. But you’re a big boy and you know better. And I didn’t let you into the bedroom because it was time for your medicine.
Fine. I am no longer talking to you. I am just going to sit on my blanket like a good sweet kitty.
Mommy. Are you still mad at me?
[T] Are you sorry?
Well. No. But I am a little big hungry. Can I have a snack?
[T] Do I look like a sucker?