[as dictated to Tanya]
I think everyone knows the most important things about me:
- I am the most handsome cat in the whole wide world.
- I am a real good kitty.
But mommy says I should try to connect at a deeper level with my fans.
[T] I said our readers, not fans. I’m not entirely sure you have fans besides me.
Whatever. Of course, I have fans. I am the most handsome cat in the whole wide world. How could I not have fans? Silly mommy.
But I will still share with everyone more fascinating details about myself so that I can expand my fan base.
- I have the softest fur. Ever. Everyone says so.
- I am playful. Sometimes I even wake my mommy up in the middle of the night to play. She pretends to be annoyed, but secretly she loves it.
- I am very talkative. I meow 24/7 at mommy. I serenade her with a cacophony of delightful meows. I have a full 3-octave range too. I could probably win on American Idol.
- I am very polite too. I do not sniff our guests crotches like dogs do. How gross and rude! I do not jump where I am not invited. I do not steal food from mommy’s plate (like Mo did). I am a perfect gentleman.
- I do NOT experience personal private bathroom issues. Those are vicious lies spread by other kitties who are jealous of my handsomeness and popularity. It is a smear campaign against me! I plan to complain to PETA and trust they will vigorously defend my honor!
There you go. Five things you may not have known about me before, but now you do.
[T] You only told them four things. Number five is a blatant lie spun by one wily feline named Emeril.
I did not give you permission to speak!
[T] Maybe number five should be that you’re exceptionally bossy.
Fine, if you insist.