[as dictated to Tanya]
My mommy treats me real well. Most of the time. She brushes me. She feeds me. She pets me. She buys me beds. She tells me how handsome I am.
But three times a day she is real mean to me.
She chases me all around the house. And when she captures me – she does something awful. Just awful. I can barely meow about it.
She forces me to take medicine. Me. Emeril Wolfgang. Forced to take medicine that she claims helps with my personal private bathroom issues.
It tastes terrible. And I have to take three big syringes of this yucky potion. Three syringes!
While I’m innocently eating breakfast, she shuts the bedroom door, trapping me in the living room and kitchen. And before she’ll allow me bedroom privileges, I have to take my morning dose of medicine.
In the evening, while I eat my dinner, she does it again! And again before my bedtime treat! She is one sneaky mommy, using my love of food to force these vile syringes of medicine on me.
And really, what for? I poop when I want to poop. Some days I just don’t want to poop! And it is nobody’s business but my own!
My mommy says a syringe full of medicine keeps the vet away. Clearly a lie, since I’ve seen him twice this year.
If you like me, and obviously you do, please remind mommy that an extra spoonful of kibble keeps Emeril happy. And in the end, isn’t that what really matters? I think so.