Easter Emeril

[as dictated to Tanya]

I am NOT a bunny. I am a feline. A proud cousin to lions, tigers and cougars. Yet my mommy insists on humiliating me every chance she gets. I am NOT the Easter Bunny!

Imagine this: It is a lazy Sunday afternoon. I am sleeping sweetly on a blanket next to mommy’s bed, dreaming about catching birdies. Suddenly, I am snatched up, carried into the living room and dumped onto the table where mommy takes pictures. Before I could even meow a protest, mommy puts bunny ears on me.

Bunny ears! On me! Emeril Wolfgang!

Mommy commands me to strike a pose for her so she can take a picture of me. I refuse. She orders again. I pull off the stupid bunny ears. Mommy puts them back on. I take them off. She puts them on and holds them in place.

She mumbles and curses at me (her real sweet kitty) to sit still so she can take a picture. I put up a fight. I do not want these pictures to get on the internet. My enemies could use them against me.

[T] You have enemies?

Yes. Birdies. I hate them. They are so wily. They think they are so clever because they can fly.

[T] And how are the birdies going to use these pictures against you?

They will sing songs up an down the West Coast about a handsome cat in bunny ears. Everyone will laugh at me.

[T] Gee. I almost feel bad about posting them online. Nope. Now that I think about – I don’t feel bad at all.

You are a mean mommy. I will have my revenge. Just wait until I leave you a few choice Easter eggs in your favorite shoes.