[as dictated to Tanya]
I think it is time for me to clear up a popular misconception about me—that I am frequently constipated. I understand why this may come as a surprise, since my mommy has spread many tall tales about such occurrences across the world wide web. Those stories are all untrue.
Falsehoods told by mommy for her amusement. She thinks it is fun to pick on her poor, sweet non-constipated kitty. (which is me, in case you are confused)
Mommy tends to be overly dramatic and exaggerates my personal private bathroom issues. It is possible that on the rarest of occasions I have struggled to go #2 and may have required some professional assistance. And if such an episode occurred, you would think my mommy could keep it to herself, instead of telling everyone she knows about it.
I do not go around telling everyone her business because I am a good kitty.
But she has a secret too.
[T] Really? What?
Those blond streaks in your hair are not natural.
[T] That’s my big secret? Everyone knows this. You need to come up with something better than me highlighting my hair if you want me to stop talking about your personal private bathroom issues.
Fine. You snore.
[T] So do you.
Shut-up. I do not.
[T] Do to.
[T] Yup. You snore. Loudly. Emeril, I have it recorded and on YouTube. And you have no proof that I snore.
MEOW! This is my post, and you are no longer permitted to voice your opinion on it. You see what I have to put up with every day? Constant harassment. Always pestering me to poop.
[T] Well. Did you poop today?
No. I do not want to talk about it anymore. I want to talk about something else.
[T] Uh-huh. So if I’m picking up what you’re putting down—you’re constipated again.
[T] Well. Crap.