[as dictated to Tanya]
My name is Emeril Wolfgang, and I am the ruler of our apartment. What I say goes. Always. No exceptions. Right mommy?
[T] Sure, Emeril. Whatever you say, Your Royal Highness.
There. You heard it officially from mommy: I am the King of the apartment, and I rule with an iron paw. When I want to be fed, I get fed. When I want to play, I play—even if it is 3:00 in the morning and wakes mommy up. When I want attention, I will yowl until I get attention.
It is simple. Obey me and everything will be fine.
[T] Right. When I say it’s time for Emeril to get Sub-Q’s, Emeril gets Sub-Q’s. When I say it’s time for medicine, Emeril gets his medicine. When I say Emeril needs to go poop … well, we haven’t perfected that one yet. In all fairness, you haven’t had an enema since early October.
As ruler of our apartment, I am ignoring you because you are being nonsensical and silly. My personal private bathroom matters are personal and private and will not be discussed on this blog. And you may poke me and syringe me, but I let you know how displeased I am by being extra squirmy and ignoring you afterwards, which bothers you tremendously since you are so co-dependent on me.
If you continue to displease me, I will have no choice but to remove you from second in command. Do you understand?
[T] Yes, sir! Now, it’s time for your medicine, so come sit on the couch like a good boy.
Okay. But it is important to note that I am permitting you to give me medicine. I am not being forced to take it.
[T] Duly noted.
And I am still going to yowl at you at 3:00 AM because I find it funny.
After you give me my medicine, I order you to rub my belly and give me a ten minute brushing.
It is sure good to be King Emeril.