I know. I know. Tanya actually wants to exercise? Well, I’m not sure if “wants” is the right word. More like, I need to do it, and I’m tired of finding excuses to avoid it. My big toe can only pretend hurt for so long.
I don’t enjoy exercise; I’m not remotely athletic. I was picked last (or almost last) in gym class. And it didn’t bother me because I did suck. I was scared of the ball (volleyball, football, basketball, baseball and dodgeball) and ran in the other direction. People walk faster than I run (in my defense I am short with short legs. Not exactly a winning combo, folks!). One of my happiest days was when I became a junior and gym was no longer required.
Youthful metabolism kept the weight off, but sadly youthful metabolism did not last as long as the Kardashian’s 15 minutes of fame has. So the weight crept up and I begrudgingly began to exercise. I worked out long enough to lose weight, then stopped until I regained weight and started all over again. I am dizzy from the never-ending weight loss/weight gain cycle.
Who Is This Girl in the Mirror?
Some days I still feel (and think) as though I am 25. Yet when I look in the mirror, I don’t see that girl, even though I still feel remnants of her lurking inside of me. Instead I see a once happy, vibrant girl slowly suffocate underneath the excess weight she carries staring back at me with desperate eyes. Her small feet shuffle instead of skip. Her smile, once so enticing, fades quickly into nothingness. She is a shadow of her former self.
This is on me.
I don’t say that to illicit pity or as a form of self-flagellation. It’s a statement of fact. No one forced me to overeat or to soothe my emotions with food. I did that all by myself. I’d stuff my face with mediocre food while screaming inside to stop. But I didn’t. I’m the one who chose to stop exercising, even when I knew better.
This is truth. It’s not always easy to face and accept responsibility, but if I truly want this time to be different, than I must.
The good news I also know what I need to do now.
Exercise Has to Be a Part of Me Going Forward
Old Tanya would have exercised long enough to lose a few pounds, then she would have immediately stopped. New Tanya realizes exercise needs to be a part of her ongoing life. I may never love exercise the way that I love MaxE, but I will love feeling healthy and fit. Exercise is a necessary ingredient to make that my new reality.
Some people love to share personal goals publicly because they believe it helps keep them more accountable. It just makes me break out in hives. (And it’s important to note that Old Tanya would have used the hives as an excuse not to work out.) But all scratching aside, I need to be held accountable.
My Exercise Goal
I’m focused on weekly goals because a month gives me too many opportunities to procrastinate. Old Tanya would have created an elaborate, unrealistic goal, but New Tanya is apparently far more practical than Old Tanya. So here is my pledge to me: I will do two 45 minute power walks at the beach before next week’s Wednesday post.
This may seem like a small step to you, but it’s a gigantic one for me. And I’m even looking forward to my walk.
And no, I have not been hijacked by aliens. 🙂