I was tempted to skip posting today. It wasn’t that I was too busy, but because I am ashamed. Most of the weight I lost at the beginning of the year has been regained. And I am disappointed. Frustrated. Mad. Embarrassed. Seriously bummed. This is on me and it sucks.
I was doing very good initially with being mindful of what I was eating and trying not to overdo carbs because I love them so much. Plus avoiding emotional eating and eating until I was stuffed. And for a period of time, I did pretty good. So good in fact that I was even ready to start exercising, which is huge for me!
It lasted a couple of weeks.
Then life happened.
I had a few setbacks and reverted back to old habits. I ate my way through my problems, which didn’t help solve them. It only made me feel worse as once roomy pants grew tight. And even though I was screaming inside to STOP EATING, I didn’t listen to my wise self and pretended I was a chipmunk instead.
Cute when it’s animated chipmunks but not so cute when it’s me.
Where Do I Go From Here?
First, I don’t quit. But I obviously need to get back on track, so that I can become the healthy Tanya I am meant and want to be. Exercise is definitely important, but what I realize now is that I need to do some mental work first.
Find that Place Where You Are Kind and Push Yourself
I can be my own worst enemy. I’ll set unrealistic goals — I should lose 10 pounds this weekend or tell myself that I can never ever have another potato chip. This, of course, makes me obsess over potato chips (which I normally don’t do!) until I find myself waiting in line impatiently with a big ‘ol bag of chips that I plan devour as soon as I get home. Sometimes I set myself up to fail.
This has to stop.
I need to find that balance where I don’t constantly beat myself up for mistakes while also not sugarcoating them. Neither response is helpful nor will it get me to where I want to go. Negative self-talk is like a hamster wheel. I keep spinning and going nowhere while I repeat the same old mistakes. Or I will placate myself and minimize my set-backs, so it is easy for me to pretend it was just a one-off when I chose to eat unhealthy.
I need to continually work to find this place and call myself out when I fall off the eating healthy wagon. To not view it from a failure lens but to assess why I’m struggling. There is a reason and it needs to be addressed. Then I can pick myself up and start over again.
Believe that I Deserve to Be Healthy
I’m in a bit of an unhealthy rut. I see that more clearly now. For years, I ate out, didn’t exercise and just kept buying new clothes to accommodate my growing waistline. This upset me, but I kept putting off doing something about it.
I become the complainer who never does anything to turn her situation around, even though she is only one who can do so.
Those people really annoy me. And I was one of them.
It’s hard to admit, but there is a piece of me who wants to keep the status quo. Be chubby Tanya. She’s fun. Ummm… okay, I’ll give you that. I am fun! But I am 100% confident that healthy and fit Tanya is a 1000 times more fun! She feels good, looks good and believes she’s worth it. Chubby Tanya secretly thinks she might not be.
Chubby Tanya obviously needs to shut the hell up.
Oops. I am supposed to be kind to myself, right?
Chubby Tanya needs to eat a celery stick and hug her cat.
All joking aside, I have lots of work to do here. Those feelings are real and hold me back. Recognizing they exist is a good start but that is not enough. I need to understand why I feel this way and do the work to let go of those old beliefs, mental hang-ups and see myself as I want to be … and truly am.
Going Back to Basics
So I’m starting with a clean slate. I’ve learned a lot the past six months. I identified some of my biggest obstacles — emotional eating, too many carb-heavy meals, eating until stuffed and a lack of exercise. All those things remain true.
While I have been faithfully meal-planning, I turned a blind eye to the types of meals I was making. And I found my comfort in carbs again. I don’t want to get rid of them, but I need to be more moderate in my consumption. I need to add more veggies and fruits and really work on emotional eating.
My friend, Shannon, taught me to ask myself, “Will this bring me closer to my goals or am I feeding an emotion?” when it comes to spending money. I need to take it literally and ask myself if I really am hungry or if I’m anxious, bored, upset, frustrated or even happy instead.
I Can Do This
When I began this journey in January, I knew change wouldn’t happen overnight and there would be good and bad days. The same holds true for the future. I started this post believing today was a bad day, but now I realize it’s a good day. I’m being honest with myself and recommitting to getting healthy, which are good things.
I can do this.
Photo courtesy of TipsTimeAdmin via flickr.