I was tempted to skip posting today. It wasn’t that I was too busy, but because I am ashamed. Most of the weight I lost at the beginning of the year has been regained. And I am disappointed. Frustrated. Mad. Embarrassed. Seriously bummed. This is on me and it sucks.
I was doing very good initially with being mindful of what I was eating and trying not to overdo carbs because I love them so much. Plus avoiding emotional eating and eating until I was stuffed. And for a period of time, I did pretty good. So good in fact that I was even ready to start exercising, which is huge for me!
It lasted a couple of weeks.
Then life happened.
I had a few setbacks and reverted back to old habits. I ate my way through my problems, which didn’t help solve them. It only made me feel worse as once roomy pants grew tight. And even though I was screaming inside to STOP EATING, I didn’t listen to my wise self and pretended I was a chipmunk instead.
Cute when it’s animated chipmunks but not so cute when it’s me.
Where Do I Go From Here?
First, I don’t quit. But I obviously need to get back on track, so that I can become the healthy Tanya I am meant and want to be. Exercise is definitely important, but what I realize now is that I need to do some mental work first.
Find that Place Where You Are Kind and Push Yourself
I can be my own worst enemy. I’ll set unrealistic goals — I should lose 10 pounds this weekend or tell myself that I can never ever have another potato chip. This, of course, makes me obsess over potato chips (which I normally don’t do!) until I find myself waiting in line impatiently with a big ‘ol bag of chips that I plan devour as soon as I get home. Sometimes I set myself up to fail.
This has to stop.
I need to find that balance where I don’t constantly beat myself up for mistakes while also not sugarcoating them. Neither response is helpful nor will it get me to where I want to go. Negative self-talk is like a hamster wheel. I keep spinning and going nowhere while I repeat the same old mistakes. Or I will placate myself and minimize my set-backs, so it is easy for me to pretend it was just a one-off when I chose to eat unhealthy.
I need to continually work to find this place and call myself out when I fall off the eating healthy wagon. To not view it from a failure lens but to assess why I’m struggling. There is a reason and it needs to be addressed. Then I can pick myself up and start over again.
Believe that I Deserve to Be Healthy
I’m in a bit of an unhealthy rut. I see that more clearly now. For years, I ate out, didn’t exercise and just kept buying new clothes to accommodate my growing waistline. This upset me, but I kept putting off doing something about it.
I become the complainer who never does anything to turn her situation around, even though she is only one who can do so.
Those people really annoy me. And I was one of them.
It’s hard to admit, but there is a piece of me who wants to keep the status quo. Be chubby Tanya. She’s fun. Ummm… okay, I’ll give you that. I am fun! But I am 100% confident that healthy and fit Tanya is a 1000 times more fun! She feels good, looks good and believes she’s worth it. Chubby Tanya secretly thinks she might not be.
Chubby Tanya obviously needs to shut the hell up.
Oops. I am supposed to be kind to myself, right?
Chubby Tanya needs to eat a celery stick and hug her cat.
All joking aside, I have lots of work to do here. Those feelings are real and hold me back. Recognizing they exist is a good start but that is not enough. I need to understand why I feel this way and do the work to let go of those old beliefs, mental hang-ups and see myself as I want to be … and truly am.
Going Back to Basics
So I’m starting with a clean slate. I’ve learned a lot the past six months. I identified some of my biggest obstacles — emotional eating, too many carb-heavy meals, eating until stuffed and a lack of exercise. All those things remain true.
While I have been faithfully meal-planning, I turned a blind eye to the types of meals I was making. And I found my comfort in carbs again. I don’t want to get rid of them, but I need to be more moderate in my consumption. I need to add more veggies and fruits and really work on emotional eating.
My friend, Shannon, taught me to ask myself, “Will this bring me closer to my goals or am I feeding an emotion?” when it comes to spending money. I need to take it literally and ask myself if I really am hungry or if I’m anxious, bored, upset, frustrated or even happy instead.
I Can Do This
When I began this journey in January, I knew change wouldn’t happen overnight and there would be good and bad days. The same holds true for the future. I started this post believing today was a bad day, but now I realize it’s a good day. I’m being honest with myself and recommitting to getting healthy, which are good things.
I can do this.
Tanya
Photo courtesy of TipsTimeAdmin via flickr.
Hey Tanya, thanks for bringing us in on such a personal matter. Although, I don’t personally struggle with weight, I did watch my mom fight that battle for years. It’s amazing how emotions can really play a big role. I think the biggest thing that helped my mom lose the weight was becoming happy and accepting that she needed to get off of the roller coaster. When she graduated college(this year while single handedly raising my sister…friggin awesome!) she really started to get serious about being happy. She had more time on her hands, worked hard to get a promotion, and put herself in a better place. With happiness came less stress eating I’m sure…I’m not sure where I was going with this anymore, but you’re not alone in the battle against weight… just keep fighting, find your happy ground, and eventually, you’ll make it off the roller coaster!
Yes, our emotions play such a key role and I am very much an emotional eater. You bring up an excellent point about how happiness affects our weight. I do know when I’m feeling about that it’s so much easier to good food choices. Congratulations to your Mom for graduating college this year – that is so awesome!
For me food is always a big challenge. Exercise is no problem, but I love good food. When I’m at home it’s easier. I just do not buy things where I have self-control problems. I’d like to say I could eat peanut butter in moderation but nope, not gonna happen. So I think step one is at the very least get any temptation out of the house. This is also why I do not bake. It’s not that I don’t like the outcome or process, I just know I’m going to eat my creation. 🙂 And I know what you mean about being “fun Tanya.” I’ve said no to fun events that are even frugal like free concerts in the park with friends because it’s an unhealthy food fest and I know I have no self-control. Instead I try to find a healthy alternative to hang out with friends as much as possible. Go for a walk? Yes! Play beach volleyball? Yup. Spending time with friends AND doing something healthy. You have to replace one “bad” habit with another “good” habit. I have faith in you!
I need to get better at keeping temptation out of my place, although I do an okay job now. My problem is when I get in a “mood” there are a ton of stores and restaurants within 5 minutes of my place to tempt me. 🙂 I need to have a bunch of healthy (or least not fattening) options to give me an alternative to munching my way through a bag of potato chips. I definitely need to adjust my attitude to exercise. I think because I keep thinking that I don’t like it that I end up making even more difficult to do it. Thanks for your insight and support, Tonya! It really helps!
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had setbacks since your progress, but good for you for addressing it and reassessing in order to get back on track! I hope this isn’t taken the wrong way, but I went to a weight loss support group before, and I found that it really helped me to talk with like-minded people, whether it was talking about basic nutrition or emotional eating. We also did weekly weigh-ins which were pretty motivating, but more than that it just helped to surround myself physically with people that were going for the same goal as me. Maybe that might help? Whatever you do, though, WE are here so if you ever need to vent or brag, we are here for you! 🙂
Absolutely, no offense taken, Anna! I assume you’re talking about Weight Watchers which I did many years ago. It worked because I was following the program at least in regards to my daily points. I never really attended the meetings though. I did it over lunch with a friend and we went to the meeting to weigh-in. Eventually I quit because it seemed silly to pay just to be weighed. It’s definitely something to consider again as I do know that it works. And I very much appreciate your support. Knowing that I have friends cheering me on, helps keep me motivated!
Tanya, I can so relate, and I know you will figure this out Girl. 🙂
In my lifetime I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds 🙁
I was born a chubby baby (have pics to prove it) and my mother believed in stuffing us as kids. If we didn’t eat everything she made for dinner she would give us the guilt trip that we didn’t like what she made. Of course we liked it, but she should have been teaching self control and portion control, instead of eat like there is no tomorrow.
So many times I have eaten like there is no tomorrow and I actually hate that full feeling, so why do I do it? It is a hard habit to break.
I once read a blog a few years ago by a woman like you and I, who struggled to lose weight. She finally said this is just a mind set and I will make the necessary changes now. And then she documented everything she did to lose weight online which helped motivate her.
And she made the point, in a funny way, about how important it is to remember that we do not have to eat all the chips or cake today because there is always tomorrow. She said it more gracefully then that, but that is the gist of it.
Also, I remember reading another point where someone said if you feel like you are always hungry it could be because certain vitamins and nutrients are missing from your current meals. So they suggested looking closely at what you eat and add in whatever is missing. For me that is protein. For example, if I have a meal of scrambled eggs I am good for about 5 hours. No kidding. But everyone is different and everyone needs to find that nutrient that makes them feel satisfied long term.
Hang in their Tanya! This time we will lose this damn weight once and for all.
Thanks for your support, Sicorra! We can definitely do this, my friend! She is so right that the chips and cake and whatever will still be available tomorrow. I do tend to eat as though I might not be able to eat ever again, which is not the case at all. I need to remind myself of those when I find myself getting ready to overstuff myself! I think you talked about this a bit on your blog and I really should add a good multi-vitamin to my diet. Protein fills me up too, which is why I really need to watch those empty carbs I love so much! LOL! My parents didn’t instill bad eating habits in me – they are both good at moderation and being active but I have adopted bad habits on my own. But I know what they are which is the half the battle and I’m ready to tackle the second half of changing them permanently! Another area we can support each other on, my friend!
I can soooooo relate to this post, Tanya. I know that I need to eat healthier and do some sort of exercise….but I am lazy. And a procrastinator. And when you mix those two lovely characteristics together, you have me 🙂
I am rooting you on however, and I know that if you put your mind to something, that there is nothing you can’t do, Tanya!!! 🙂 You can do it!! XO
We apparently suffer from the same characteristics, Mackenzie! When it comes to exercise and eating healthier, I seem to always be able to find an excuse not to do it. But that has to change and I’m ready to make the commitment! Thanks for cheering me on, Mackenzie – I appreciate it!