On Monday, I wasn’t in a very good mood. I felt petulant, whiny, bored, unmotivated and listless. I was in a funk, plain and simple. A big part of me wanted to sink into my sofa and continue feeling sorry for myself for the rest of the day. While another part of me demanded that I get off my ever-widening butt and pretend everything was peachy keen. The wise part of me recommended that I do neither.
I don’t want to become the person who whines constantly about how awful their life is (when it isn’t even remotely awful) while everybody just wants to shake them and point out everything good in their life. The things they cannot or will not see. Those people annoy me and some days I worry about becoming one of them.
Feelings Are Your Roadmap
On the other hand, we shouldn’t suppress our feelings either or consider them our enemy. I used to do this. All. The. Time. I can say with absolutely certainty that it never works out well. You can only compartmentalize or bury your emotions for so long before they explode out of you in all their messy glory. And sometimes it doesn’t happen at the most convenient time.
So I have learned to simply feel. Without judgement, just feel. I feel happy, balanced, light. I feel petulant and cranky. All of those feelings are okay.
They are signs. When I feel happy and fulfilled, I am doing things I love and nourish me. When I feel petulant, whiny, crabby, then I am not doing work that fulfills me or I’m not taking care of myself or I’m letting fear rule my thoughts. There is work that needs to be done and pretending everything is peachy keen isn’t the answer.
The Worst Kind of Wake-Up Call
In an attempt to stop feeling cranking about being cranky, I took a break and convinced the Max-E-Nator to snuggle with me. Feeling better, I grabbed my iPad and started cruising some of my favorite entertainment sites when I discovered that Robin Williams had died of an apparent suicide.
I thought it was some awful joke. He couldn’t have. He wouldn’t have. Maybe this site had been hacked, I thought. But every site had the same sad news.
I grew up watching Mork and Mindy and countless movies starring the rascally Robin Williams. He always made me laugh and forget my own troubles while it appears he couldn’t escape his own demons. He never hid his drug or alcohol problems, but I wasn’t aware that he suffered from depression and was struggling through a severe bout.
Sometimes sadness is the most debilitating disease, and one we rarely discuss.
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your World
I can’t pretend to imagine what was going through his mind at the end, but I can take control of my own thoughts. Lately my thoughts have been more on what I lack or what’s not going right. These unhelpful thoughts manifest themselves in my uncertainty, listlessness and yes, my whininess.
I am the one with the power to change my thoughts and my world.
I Will Remember
I wanted to pay tribute to Mr. Williams, and there were so many great movies and roles he played that made me laugh until I cried. And yet, I chose one that was ultimately a bit prophetic. In between his charm and exuberance, there was always a whisper of melancholy in the class clown.
O’ Captain, My Captain. You will be missed, but the laughter lives on.
Tanya
Robin’s death has been such a shock. A colleague my age with everything going for her also committed suicide this year and I have been dealing with this. I know depression well but am finding it difficult to accept the finality they chose, especially when I look at their life circumstances. It just goes to show how insidious that demon is. Keep well everyone and if you’re not, please tell someone. More likely than not, they’ve worn your same clothes.
I’m so sorry to hear about your colleague, Deb. It’s hard looking on the outside since their lives seemed to be so good, but like you said, we don’t know their inner turmoil. And people are really good at hiding their demons and it’s a burden they don’t need to carry alone.
Love the image you created Tanya!
I was thinking about this more today of course. I have read that sometimes people take their lives because they believe that their friends and family will be better off without them. I remember a Whitney Houston song that is specifically about that.
There are so many reports on the media today about all the different aspects of his life and it sounds like he lived a quite complicated life, and he lost his brother 7 years ago tomorrow, which some say devastated him as well. It is terrible that these things happen but sometimes people cannot see any alternatives.
Thank you, Sicorra! I think when a person gets to the point where suicide seems to be the best option, it’s so hard for them to see those around them who love them and want to help them. They are hurting so bad. Hope is such a powerful emotion and we lost it – it can be devastating. I hope those who are feeling hopeless will speak up and seek help.
Wonderful tribute, Tanya, Robin Williams’ death affected me, as well. I agree it’s okay to feel, and let yourself feel. I do hope you find your happiness and inner balance, because know you are loved! 🙂
Thanks, Anna. I am learning to not judge my feelings and be okay with however I feel, whether it’s good or bad. Just let it be. And I very much appreciate your support and kind words, Anna! It means a lot to me! 🙂
Great tribute! I think everyone felt like a member of their family died, since so many of us grew up watching his films. I feel terribly sad that he won’t be making us laugh or cry anymore. He had such and incredible ability to be both a dramatic actor and hilarious, sometimes in the same movie. You’re right in that it’s OK to feel however you are feeling. No one should be made to feel guilty of that.
It does feel like a losing a family member. He was such a part of my childhood and he made me feel so good. He was a great actor who probably didn’t get the credit he deserved. I loved his funny roles, but he was also a great, sometimes surprising, dramatic actor too. We judge (or at least I do) our emotions and then we feel bad because we have “bad” emotions, which just makes this worse. We feel what we feel.
Love the honesty of this post, Tanya. Robin Williams’ death was so sad and so heartbreaking. I too, grew up watching Mork and Mindy, and I cried when I heard about him committing suicide.
Your words were simply beautiful…
I cried too, Mackenzie. It just floored me because I never expected it. And it breaks my heart that we can’t turn back the clock and let him know how much he mattered to us.