Yup. That pretty much sums it up. Not #Winning. I started this year with one simple goal: to get healthy. And to get healthy for me meant losing some weight. I didn’t set other goals so I could really focus on this one. And for a time, I was doing okay.
In the past, I tended to be impatient. Right now! RIGHT NOW! That was my motto. And it often worked, short-term. I was no longer interested in short-term weight loss, but permanent, healthy weight loss, so I intentionally went slow. The tortoise wins the race, right?!?!
I lost weight and felt pretty good. This might be the time where I actually do it. I’ve been a roller coaster dieter for years. But the end was in sight.
And, of course, I fell off the wagon. I stopped watching what I ate. Exercise became nonexistent. I stopped caring, plain and simple.
I don’t know why.
Why Do We Stop?
Is it because I haven’t hit rock bottom? I lie to myself and say it’s not that bad while I can’t bear to look in the mirror?
Or have I hit rock bottom and instead of fueling the fire, I just feel defeated?
Both scenarios are possible. And likely depending on the day, true.
I took my eyes off the goal and let myself get distracted. This happens almost every time I diet. If I’m being honest with myself, I let it happen too.
I am Guilty of Self-Sabotage
This is the worst kind of sabotage; the kind you do deliberately to yourself. It’s self-defeating, ugly and just plain stupid.
It’s got to stop.
I’m not afraid of hard work, but I am afraid of changing habits. To stop filling the holes inside of me with food, to confront and deal with what I’m feeling instead. That terrifies me. Not because I have some awful, horrible things that I must deal with, but because my issues are so mundane. So ordinary. And yet they wreak havoc on me.
My problem isn’t that I eat bad per se. It’s that I eat when I’m not hungry to satisfy the hunger of my emotions. That’s my true problem.
It’s not my love of mashed potatoes that keeps me chunky. It’s my love of eating them to drown my emotions when I’m feeling sad, mad, angry, lonely, bored, scared and so forth.
I Don’t Have the Answers
I’ve always considered myself to be the person who finds a solution to any problem. In fact, I take a lot of pride in being that person. When something goes wrong, I am the one to fix it. But this, I don’t know the answer. It’s still TBD.
And there is some comfort in admitting that too. I am still a work in progress. And what matters is that I continue to work towards a solution.
I am not a quitter. I will figure it out. In the meantime, I’m not setting yearly goals, because that’s too big for me. I’m taking it one day at a time. To eat well. To treat myself with kindness. To make good choices. If I can do that, then I am well on my way to reaching my goal of good health.
Tanya
It’s tough and not an easy answer. I kind of get it too because while I DO enjoy exercise, I too eat a lot (even though it’s healthy-ish), and probably not always when I’m hungry. I didn’t HAVE to order the fries when I ordered a sort of Michigan-esque sandwich, but I did…why? I don’t know. It tastes good and somehow I justify it. Don’t give up though…I like your idea of daily goals for this one. The big picture goal just seems SO far off!
Food has always been a comfort to me. I used to shop for comfort too and managed to curb that habit, but I haven’t broke the emotional eating yet. Daily goals just seem more doable for me at this point and easier, which I need. Some good victories will make me feel better and more inclined to keep going instead of giving up, which is my past M.O. I appreciate the support!
Oh yeah, you are definitely not the only one, Tanya. I think so many of us struggle with this. Food itself is the problem too. Certain foods have addictive additives that make us want more, more and more, and the vicious cycle begins. But I know you can do it, Tanya. Stand strong, keep moving forward, my friend. You’ve got a whole team of friends and loved ones standing beside you. 🙂
Very true, certain foods do cause binge cravings. I try to avoid processed food for that reason as much as possible. But I am still a sucker for my daily diet coke. 🙂 I appreciate your support so much, Laurie! I just need to take it one day at a time! You’re doing great with your October challenge, which is very inspiring and a reminder that I need to kick it in gear.
Totally understand, Tanya. I really, really do. Weight loss is hard and there are so many emotional aspects to it that make it difficult. However, I am confident that you will find your path eventually and like you said, you are a work in progress. Just take it day by day 🙂 XO
As much as it bothers me to admit it, I suspect that I am comfortable being a bit heavy, ya know? I use it as an excuse not to be social, etc. That’s not how I want to live and I’m the one who has to reset my brain! 🙂 I appreciate your support, Mackenzie! I am a work in progress and I need to enjoy the journey.
Thank you for sharing such an honest and vulnerable post, Tanya. I get it when it comes to those one step forward and one step back moments, and if I’m honest with myself I agree that it’s because I tend to get ruled by emotions, as well. I agree that daily (or incremental) goals is helpful. If you ever need someone to hash things out with or need support, I’m more than happy to help you! I check my email frequently and can give you my personal one if that helps – I *know* you can be successful with this, so just know you have a lot of support on your side! 🙂
Thanks so much for your support, Anna! I truly appreciate and I feel so darn lucky to have so many people supporting me. It really does make a difference. I’d hate not to “feel” anything, but man – somedays I wish I didn’t feel so darn much! Next time I’m having one of those days, I’ll definitely reach out to you. Thanks for being there for me and I am happy to return the favor whenever you need it!
Hey Tanya,
I admire you for sharing how you feel with us and let me tell you, you are not a lone girlfriend. We all fall off the wagon but as long as you get back on track, that’s where it counts.
Although I’m eating healthy (ahem) I haven’t cut out everything. It’s more portion control. And I have a self-reward system that if I don’t eat anything sweet, I can have a free day on the weekend and have my favorite chocolate chip ice cream or a cupcake. But if I cave during the week, I don’t.
The fact that you said you’re not a quitter tells me all you need is to find something that works for you and you’ll be set. Just don’t give on up looking for it.
Yes, stick with small goals. If you can lose a pound or two a week that is a healthy way to lose weight and it won’t creep up on you if you fall off the wagon.
You got this girl!
cori
Thanks for your support, Corina. I know the battle of the bulge is something so many of us face. I like your self-reward system and I need to set something up too. I’ve never been a fan of those punishment type of programs because I won’t self-inflict “punishment”. 🙂 But I do like rewards! You’re right I just have to figure out the systems that works for me AND stick to it. I’m definitely sticking to some goals and one day at a time because it’s adds up to big results in the end!