Yup. That pretty much sums it up. Not #Winning. I started this year with one simple goal: to get healthy. And to get healthy for me meant losing some weight. I didn’t set other goals so I could really focus on this one. And for a time, I was doing okay.
In the past, I tended to be impatient. Right now! RIGHT NOW! That was my motto. And it often worked, short-term. I was no longer interested in short-term weight loss, but permanent, healthy weight loss, so I intentionally went slow. The tortoise wins the race, right?!?!
I lost weight and felt pretty good. This might be the time where I actually do it. I’ve been a roller coaster dieter for years. But the end was in sight.
And, of course, I fell off the wagon. I stopped watching what I ate. Exercise became nonexistent. I stopped caring, plain and simple.
I don’t know why.
Why Do We Stop?
Is it because I haven’t hit rock bottom? I lie to myself and say it’s not that bad while I can’t bear to look in the mirror?
Or have I hit rock bottom and instead of fueling the fire, I just feel defeated?
Both scenarios are possible. And likely depending on the day, true.
I took my eyes off the goal and let myself get distracted. This happens almost every time I diet. If I’m being honest with myself, I let it happen too.
I am Guilty of Self-Sabotage
This is the worst kind of sabotage; the kind you do deliberately to yourself. It’s self-defeating, ugly and just plain stupid.
It’s got to stop.
I’m not afraid of hard work, but I am afraid of changing habits. To stop filling the holes inside of me with food, to confront and deal with what I’m feeling instead. That terrifies me. Not because I have some awful, horrible things that I must deal with, but because my issues are so mundane. So ordinary. And yet they wreak havoc on me.
My problem isn’t that I eat bad per se. It’s that I eat when I’m not hungry to satisfy the hunger of my emotions. That’s my true problem.
It’s not my love of mashed potatoes that keeps me chunky. It’s my love of eating them to drown my emotions when I’m feeling sad, mad, angry, lonely, bored, scared and so forth.
I Don’t Have the Answers
I’ve always considered myself to be the person who finds a solution to any problem. In fact, I take a lot of pride in being that person. When something goes wrong, I am the one to fix it. But this, I don’t know the answer. It’s still TBD.
And there is some comfort in admitting that too. I am still a work in progress. And what matters is that I continue to work towards a solution.
I am not a quitter. I will figure it out. In the meantime, I’m not setting yearly goals, because that’s too big for me. I’m taking it one day at a time. To eat well. To treat myself with kindness. To make good choices. If I can do that, then I am well on my way to reaching my goal of good health.