Hi ya, everyone! It’s me, MaxE! I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. I sure did! Thanksgiving is awesome, unlike Halloween with its stupid costumes, and I am grateful that no pilgrim hat was forced on me. Instead, Mama and I feasted. She fed me treats at every meal, which made me super duper grateful and why my Mama rules! Treats are delicious and nutritious too. I don’t understand why Mama doesn’t offer treats at every meal, but I won’t complain because I am the Best Boy ever! Well-behaved. Kind. Loving. The kind of cat that Santa Kitty Klaus is sure to reward with a stocking full of toys, but no clothes, please!
A Real Good Kitty
I know all the lore about Christmas … that only good boys, girls and kitties get stockings full of toys. To be fair, a lump of coal doesn’t sound awful. I could probably bat it around the living room, although Mama might not like the mess it would make. Still, I’d rather have a new fancy feather brush because mine only has one lone feather remaining.
Mama confirmed that Santa Kitty Klaus knows my status had been upgraded to Best Boy, which surely means that MaxE will get the double the presents. I am a real good kitty, paw swear! I can pee and poop unlike some prima donna cat who I won’t mention by name and was NOT the most handsome cat in the world but the lamest.
[Tanya] Uh … Max. You wouldn’t be talking about Emeril, would you?
[T] Because that would be mean. And mean kitties don’t get presents.
Wasn’t talking about Emeril. It was some other constipated cat.
[T] Uh-huh. Who?
Can’t remember his name. I think it was Sam.
Definitely Sam. Or Tim. Maybe Bob. Yup. That’s it. Bob the cat.
Yes. Bob the cat. He was constipated all the time. Very humiliating, I’m told. I wouldn’t know from personal experience because I have regular bowel movements, like good kitties do.
[T] What does Bobcat look like?
I never meet him, personally. But I’m told he was very unattractive.
[T] You’re sure Bobcat isn’t Emeril?
[T] Did you know kitties who lie get clothes for Christmas?
[T] It’s true. It’s the law.
I think, maybe, you’re lying now.
I don’t want clothes. I want toys.
[T] You know what to do.
Fine. You forced it out of me. Bob the Cat is really Emeril. Are you happy now?
[T] I guess so.
See what I have to put up with every day? Mama. Drama. You crack one joke about the lamest cat ever and you get into trouble. It’s a good thing Mama has a short memory and I am so adorable. She can never stay mad at Mighty Max, which is a good thing because I like to get into mischief and make fun of you know who. I’ll give you a hint — he can’t poop.
MaxE’s Christmas Wish List
Christmas will be here soon. Maybe tomorrow. I’m not sure. I don’t really have a very good sense of time. But I know Santa Kitty Klaus will be coming soon. So being a smart, adorable and GOOD kitty, I put together my wish list, so he knows exactly what I want and doesn’t accidentally give me clothes.
- A fancy feather brush. Mine is almost dead. So sad. MaxE needs a new one.
- More bouncy balls to bat around because the dastardly sofa keeps stealing them.
- A super mega bag of treats. Or the biggest bag available.
- A pet birdie named Yum Yum. I used to have a pet spider named Al. But I ate him. I still feel real bad about it. But cats need a pet to keep them entertained, and I’d like my next pet to be a birdie.
- A new bed for the desk. I only have one bed. I am told you know who had three. Rude.
- Outdoor privileges. I’d like to take hallway walks like some other constipated cat was allowed to do. Very rude.
- Did I mention a pet birdie? Okay. Just making sure.
I’m is gonna be on my very best behavior so Santa Kitty Klaus gives me EVERYTHING on my list, especially the pet birdie. I’d be a real good pet parent. The whole situation with Al was just a big misunderstanding and he gave me indigestion anyway. I’d never eat Yum Yum. Paw swear.
What’s on your Christmas Wish List? And if you don’t mind my asking, please put in a good word with Santa Kitty Klaus for me. Thanks!