Hi ya, everyone! As promised, I have big, big, BIG news! After much consideration (like a five minute nap), I have decided to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America. We live in the best country ever, which means we need the best president ever. Thankfully, I’ve available. El gato para Presidente! We need a sensible feline, that’s me, to really make America great. Feline great!
Now don’t you worry, I plan on running a clean campaign with no hissing and spitting. Although, it must be meowed that unlike some other presumed candidates, my ginger fur is my own. No wigs or fake coloring for MaxE!
MaxE’s Campaign Promises to You, Dear Voters
Let’s get down to business. I have developed a solid plan that will help both felines and humans. Dogs — can eat cake!
1. Every Kitty Gets a Birdie
That’s right. Every kitty will become the proud parent of a birdie. We felines are naturally nurturing and will take good care of our birdies.
Note: I will also increase funding for places that raise birdies because it is possible that we may need more birdies.
2. No Kitty-Exploitation in Entertainment
You can rest easy feline lovers. No more stupid kitties, like Tom, who is regularly bested by a mouse will ever fill your TV or movie screen under my watch. Plus, no more gross plots where doggies are awesome and kitties are mean, like in that highly unrealistic film, Lady and The Tramp.
3. Nap Time is Mandatory
Every person is required to take at least one nap per day. 10 naps would be best, but I am an open-minded kitty and will let you determine how many you need. Kitties will, of course, continue to take as many naps as needed to maintain their sunny disposition.
4. A Hard-Line on Terrorism
Cats are predators, not prey. I, Maximillan Emeril, will take a firm paw against any terrorist who threatens a feline way of life. Bugs and rodents … you are on notice. There is nothing more wily than an army of felines, minus the fact that you cannot herd us in the same direction. Unless treats are involved. Then, maybe.
5. No More Taxes
I don’t what those are but Mama complains about them every April. And it seems like if I abolish them, then I will surely get elected.
6. Equal Treatment for ALL
That’s right, MaxE is a very tolerant, open-minded and inclusive kitty. You ALL made my squad! I don’t care if you are white, yellow, black, brown, purple with pink polka dots or even a dumb doggie — I like you! And I could care less about who you love as long as you love and vote for me. El gato para Presidente!
My Qualifications to be El Presidente
Now some lame people are likely to accuse me of being unqualified to be el presidente. MEOW! What are your names? I will sic the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, NSA, PETA and the ASPCA on you!!! MaxE is very qualified to be el presidente.
I, Maxmillian Emeril, solemnly swear that I am:
- A naturalized citizen. Born and raised in Los Angeles, CA.
- I am almost 5 cat years old, which makes me 37 people years.
- I am litter box trained. If I poop outside it, then you did something wrong and the blame lies with you, not me.
- I am bilingual, speaking both feline and people.
- I am a male tabby cat from a pedigreed family (my family may not be pedigreed but all politicians lie a little bit).
- I believe in Top Kitty, because God is obviously a feline. Duh.
- I am a cat-preneuer who owns a successful pet-sitting business.
Clearly, I am the purrfect candidate and would make an excellent el presidente. And don’t worry, there have been other feline leaders, like Stubbs, the Talkeetna mayor. Stubbs has lorded over that small Alaskan town for 17 years, so clearly felines are awesome leaders.
I humbly ask for your vote this November. If you do, I paw swear to never hack a hairball on your shoes, unless it is unavoidable. But I will feel real bad afterwards. Probably.
El Gato para Presidente!