Hi ya, everyone! It’s me, MaxE! Your friendly feline presidential candidate for the Felines Rule and Everyone Else Drools Party. Okay, I made-up the Felines Rule Party, although it’s really lame that one doesn’t already exist. Perhaps, it’s moot because everyone knows felines rule already. Yup, that must be it. Felines Rule! Meow!
Let me tell you — it has been a very exciting month since I announced my candidacy for President of the United States of America. Many people are super duper excited to have such an awesome candidate and have pledged their vote to me this November. And I am happy to be your feline candidate and can’t wait to be President!
Now some had a few more questions about how I would lord over you all ….
after a short break
My Mama says I must apologize for my poor word choice of “lord”. Mama explained the United States of America is a democracy, not a dictatorship or monarchy. As a feline, I automatically rule and lord over my human (hi Mama!) but apparently as President I am not allowed to lord over my constituents. This seems really stupid to me. But Mama insists that I not use the word “lord” and instead say lead.
Anyhoo, before Mama rudely interrupted me, I was sharing how I would lead all of you. Here are a few more of my intended changes:
No Red Blinking Lights
My first change will be to remove any red blinking lights on buttons that should only be pushed in absolute emergencies. I might accidentally pounce on a pulsing light and nuke the world. I am told that would be bad.
Zero Tolerance for Animal Cruelty
You will be banned from this great country and I WILL put up a wall to keep you out. PERIOD.
Rename Air Force One
No offense to the brave men and women of the Air Force. You are awesome and super cool. But … I’m not real fond of the name Air Force One. Thus, it shall be changed to Meow Force One. My title as Commander and Chief shall remain.
Cat Beds and Towers in the White House
I’m fine with the how the Obama’s decorated the White House and don’t feel an urge to change the curtains or pick new china. But I am adamant that a fluffy pet bed, cat tower, dishes for food and water and a discreet litter box be added to every room in the White House. This is non-negotiable. I also expect everyone in the White House to carry a bag of cat treats with them at all time. Also non-negotiable and I will send you to Guantanamo Bay if you forget.
Mama Comes with Me
She is my Mama, best friend, and translator. Plus, she also knows how to rub my belly, clip my toe nails and serve my food. Where MaxE goes, Mama goes.
Firing the Tailor
I am not sure if there is an official Presidential Tailor but the President always wears clothes, so I’m guessing there is. I DO NOT NEED TO WEAR CLOTHES!! I have a glorious coat and no matter how cute Mama thinks I looked dressed-up, I refuse to wear a cat tux or suit to meet with dignitaries and so on. In fact, I will make a law forbidding cats to wear clothes.
More Changes to Come
These are just a few of the changes I plan to implement once I become President. Apparently, there are other stuff I will need to handle, like trade agreements, global warming and what not. Sounds boring so I just might nap through those discussions. We’ll see. Anyway, there is still lots for me to do right now, including choosing my Vice President. I’m still narrowing down the list and will announce my running mate in August.
Next month is Mama’s birthday month and I have been told that I must meow about her and not me, which seems a bit rude and presumptuous on her part. Because MaxE is an accommodating feline who is open to compromise, like all good politicians should be, he will listen to his Mama this one time.
El Gato para Presidente!