I hate Halloween. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! I loathe it more than Emeril. It is the worst. The absolute worst holiday, EVER! Whoever created this terrible, no good holiday is an awful, awful person. If I ever meet them, I’m gonna hiss and spit and throw-up on their shoes. And I won’t feel an ounce of guilt. No sir, I will not.
This is just plain humiliating: Mama turned me into a frog.
No. I am a feline and not some stupid amphibian. Sure, I like water but I’m no frog.
I am Max and hear me ROAR!
Mama thinks she is so smart and clever. Imagine this, I was innocently napping when Mama starts petting me. Now, I like pets. A lot. I’m purring and feeling pretty darn good, until Mama suddenly puts this stupid frog mask on me.
What the what?
If I have to wear a costume, why can’t it be something dignified and worthy of me? Like a superhero cat? I want to be Iron Cat or Bat Cat or Hulk Cat … because honestly, I’m feeling a little hulkish right now.
And Mama is not going to like it when MaxE gets mad because he gets extra sassy and naughty. That’s right, I’m planning all my tricks on Mama.
She wants to snuggle. Nope. She wants me to behave. No can do. She wants me to stop throwing up on her favorite pair of flip flops. Dream on. She wants me to sleep in bed with her. I don’t think so.
Instead, Mighty Max is going to be the naughtiest kitty in the whole wide world! Mama will terribly regret ever forcing me to be a frog.
Tanya: Ummmm … Max, do you know what comes after Halloween?
I don’t care.
T: And do you know what the naughtiest kitty in the world gets for Christmas?
Lots and lots of presents and treats?
T: No. He gets NOTHING!
Are you sure?
Really, really sure?
Frogs play a very important role in our eco-system and I am proud to wear a frog mask. In fact, I look sexy! Super sexy!
Now, just between you and me — this is still a stupid costume, but I’ll play along for Mama’s sake. She’s just so super sensitive. And heaven’s knows I don’t have the time or energy to deal with Mama drama. And I want Christmas presents!
Hopefully, you are having a better Halloween than I am and your Mama didn’t make you wear a stupid costume. If she does, then please be sure your Mama agrees to offer extra treats as compensation for your suffering. It won’t totally make-up for this humiliation, but it is a good start.
Happy Halloween! Be kind to your pets and don’t make them wear stupid costumes. But be sure to give them lots of treats if you do! Or expect lots and lots of tricks.